Self love, why is it so hard? what the hell is it? how do I love myself?
Truth is, you find self love so difficult because you were never taught how to love yourself, in-fact you've been taught quite the opposite.
'look like this'
'Be this size'
'Women like men like this'
'Men like a woman that does that' and so forth and so on.
We grow up constantly trying to fit into a box, the box that society tells us we should be and if you can't fit into that box regardless of how hard you try what is wrong with you? or even worse what if you are just so different? "what is wrong with me?"
The answer is nothing.
Nothing is wrong with you.
What's wrong is society.
Don't get me wrong, we are progressing and recognising these toxic and destructive traits.
But that doesn't undo the already done damage.
I in no way have mastered the practice of self love.
But I am trying and am trying terribly hard to break the self destructive cycle that goes through my mind.
Why? Why now?
Firstly because well, why not? and secondly stripping away my day to day life as it was before covid has really brought light to how poorly I treat myself and I no longer want to feel that way. I also don't want YOU to feel that way anymore either.
The countless times I have hated... wait that needs to be accentuated HATED looking at myself in the mirror and thinking that self love was what I saw and loved on the outside. That self love was just loving the way I look. Nothing to do with what was on the inside. The endless times I would starve myself because I looked too "fat" or I would kill myself with vigorous exercise until I wound up a complete burnt out mess.
Sleepless nights beating myself up over past decisions and mistakes I had made. Debilitating days of looking back and thinking I had done everything wrong and I was one big fuck up.
Feeling that way is not nice.
Trying to fit into a box - not very nice.
Stewing over the past, gets you nowhere and is exhausting.
So what do you do?
Like I said I was done with having these moments of self destruction and no longer having my usual life to distract me or lessen these feelings really urgently prompted me to do something about it.
In no way has it been easy and I still battle daily with it but I have ques waiting for when those negative thoughts come in.
For example I looked in the mirror today, hair everywhere, makeup free, pale lips because I'm slightly anaemic at the moment but then I saw me. So I took a photo. I was completely natural, I reminded myself that I am growing a life, I raise 2 beautiful lives, have a supportive partner and have worked really hard to get to where I am emotionally.
And I loved that photo because it was raw and full of love.
Not even 2 hours later. I'm walking with with son and we take a selfie together to send to my partner, I imeadiatly look at this picture and disgust myself with how chubby my cheeks look and how crooked my teeth are.
Don't worry I snapped right out of that by reminding myself of how I felt and how proud I was this morning of the woman and the mother I am.
Once that really would have gotten me down.
A friend of mine who sadly had her life taken from her too soon always said this one quote and it always always stuck with me. And how silly I am to only realise 15 years later the true meaning of it and how to use it.
"You have to love yourself first before you can love someone else"
My darling Bianca I hope you know the impact you have made on so many lives and still continue to do so in spirit.
We are made to believe that we need others to love us to be loved. To be whole.
And how on earth can we give someone our deep entire love that they deserve when you aren't giving yourself the love YOU deserve.
We go into relationships with a suitcase full of insecurities, this is what some call 'baggage' meaning that we are walking into relationships with holes already in it before it has even begun!
I had and still have a lot of physical insecurities that not so much now but for a long time put a strain on my relationship because I never thought I was good enough. And because of that I kept myself at a distance afraid of being hurt. Because I kept myself at a distance we never communicated properly and from there I then thought I wasn't loved and I kept craving that love when really I needed it from myself.
The mind is extremely powerful.
I can not tell you enough how powerful it is and I encourage you to look deeper into yourself, into education and to explore the world around you to find you and the love for yourself that you deserve.
Self affirmation is strange to begin with but very very effective I promise.
Mindfulness is fantastic and there is so many endless types that you can explore to find what works for you and the type that you need.
Becoming in tune with your body, with nature and understanding those elements will give you a new appreciation of just how incredible your mind, body and soul truly is.
We live in a high paced world full of technology which can be very negative at times when used poorly. I thought for so long. For years actually that in order for me to be successful I needed to be a fast paced business minded woman that never stopped. That was what I thought would define my success. When really that mentality did so much worse than good. I compared myself to everyone and everything on social media and I was constantly at a loss. My nose too big. I don't live that lifestyle. I haven't "made it" yet.
Yep technology can be negative.
Yet it can be a positive. You have a whole world online to help you and guide you to the mental space that you deserve. To help you uncover just how amazing you are and help you love you just the way you are.
Thankfully social media, google, blogs they really are just a click away to you finding that mentor, that positive affirmation or just that light bulb moment to get you on your way to self love.
I truly believe that self love should be taught from the moment we are born and if we can learn to do that ourselves then we teach our next generation to do the same and put an end to this ideal of being a certain way or doing certain things.
"I am enough"
"I don't know my destination but I know I'm on the right path"
"My body has birthed my boys and is home to my 3rd child"
These are the affirmations I repeat in my head when I'm falling asleep at night.
(also helps me from overthinking at night)
Anyway, I hope you can take something from this and I am more than happy to chat if you want to know more from my own experiences or even places to look.
Love Tan x
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